Grief is painful and uncomfortable for many people to talk about or share. No wonder, when I lost my husband, I knew I would need help navigating all this emotion, these feelings, the loneliness, the stuff etc. I mean I lost my person. How do you face everyday when your partner you shared life with passes away? I can't tell you how many times somebody's answer was to recite that saying: "How do you eat an elephant? one bite at a time" or "One minute or one thing at a time..". Luckily, I was led to a grief counselor who has been essential in my journey to get up, heal and learn to live with grief. It's been two years and we are still working together.
Everybody grieves differently. Of course we grieve differently. We all have different relationships and experiences. I was my husband's caretaker. Evidently, caretakers often grieve throughout the caretaking journey. Although, the grief didn't feel any less to me when he passed. Grief is all consuming loneliness some days or a wisp of joy from a lovely fleeting memory the next. The days when it is a fight to get up, those soft brown eyes, wet nose and loving doggy kisses urge me to rise again. I often think about other widows who have kiddos to care for or those with an empty house; how they manage to go through the days.
This loss has forced me to grow in ways I never would have imagined. I will never forget the first time I mowed the lawn, the first time I fixed the mower, the first time I grilled on the grill, the first meal out on my own, the first items I donated, the first big change I made in the house, etc. At times I feel this rush of love and I know he is near and sharing it all with me. Then there are the times I have needed someone's help only to wonder who that person was for me now. I will never forget the first time I was very sick and needed medical attention. I text my sister in the middle of the night as I cried because he wasn't there to drive me to the hospital. Afterwards, my loved ones all wondering why I didn't call them...I didn't know who to call because the person I wanted was gone.
As hard as the words were to hear; they are the reality of life now: one step, one thing, one moment at a time.
Oh, Labmom, your post is so heartfelt. I cannot imagine what you're going through on a daily basis. One line that really hit me was when you said, "I didn't know who to call because the person I wanted was gone." I hope that this grief subsides for you very soon and you can find peace and healing! Sending you safe (((hugs))).